When life gives you lemons…

I keep meaning to blog, but for one reason or another, life hasn’t permitted it. I had blog posts planned in my head, but now that they’re hardly relevant, I’ve decided to just do a short recapping of where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing.

My birthday was last Monday. As I suspected last year, it was far less exciting than it’s been in the past, which as a person who loves birthdays, disappointed me. While I think this was partly because I’m not thrilled about getting older, it was also because that weekend all sorts of sad/bad things happened in my family.

My grandmother’s sister died unexpectedly, my own sister had a pregnancy scare and spent time at the hospital, and some drunken punk was dead set on giving my father a heart attack by harassing him daily (he even went as far as physical property damage).

I had taken a long weekend to “celebrate” my birthday, which really only consisted of reading a lot of books and going out to dinner because my life is so riveting (duh). While I did make it to dinner, reading books didn’t happen because my mind was too consumed with all the woe going on in my family. So, my house is extra clean now and I baked my first apple pie because these are the kinds of things I do when I’m stressed/sad. Such a lovely way to spend your birthday, right?

It wasn’t all bad, though. My friends and family lavished me with lovely cards and gifts, small tokens of love that I appreciated greatly. And dinner was chaotic as always, but in a way I love because despite the rough time my family was going through, they are always entertaining when we’re all together. Really, I can’t complain.

And yet that’s not true as I shift into my next topic: Photography. I’m pretty sure I’m finished *trying* to be a photographer as a side thing. I will still take pictures because it’s what I’ve always done and I will still try to perfect the craft because I want to grow as an artist, but I’m finished with offering my services outside of my family. I can’t tell you how many times people have come up to me or commented how good of a photographer I am and how they’d love for me to shoot their family or kids, etc… and even though it’s incredibly hard for me to have enough faith in myself to agree, I do. I even offer to do it for free as I build my portfolio, but every single one of these people (EVERY ONE OF THEM) has gone off to have professional photos done instead for a hefty price. I’m tired of extending myself like this. It’s almost as if they’re mocking me when those professional photos pop up online. It’s not that I think I could do better, in fact I bet I couldn’t, but I’m tired of people baiting me into something I’m already scared of doing just for the sake of saying something. NO ONE TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAD TO COMPLIMENT MY HOBBY, PEOPLE. If you’re not sincere, please just say nothing at all! I can’t continue to be led on this way. So, I might just remove the update altogether from my monthly reviews. If there are really great pictures I feel are worth mentioning, maybe they’ll get their own posts if you guys care to see them. In the meantime, I will shrink back into the introverted photographer I’ve always been and just be happy with my pictures because I like doing it, not because I’m trying to be something more than I am.

I should stop now, but I have more to complain about. It’s no secret I’ve been struggling with this weight loss thing lately. Since October it’s been one sugar sponsored holiday after another and I fell weak to it all with the best of them. I’m relieved the holidays are over with. I truly want a break from refined sugar, but my mind and tongue are not on the same page about this yet and so I find myself scathing the grocery store for obscure things like Berger cookies as if I actually need them. I know that if I just avoided them altogether, I’d be making this easier on myself, but instead I get this ridiculous idea that I can limit myself to one a day because that’s not all that bad, when in reality I know they won’t even last 4 days.

I hate that I know what needs to be done, I’ve done it before and it’s not all that hard, and yet my willpower is crap and I enable its inability to stand strong. In other words, I’m an idiot and I know it and yet I continue to be one. Obviously, I’m a genius.

So at this point, I’ve almost crept back up to my highest weight ever, making all my effort last year a total loss. It disappoints me in ways you can’t imagine if you’ve never struggled with weight. I cleaned and prepped a week’s worth of healthy food this weekend to get myself back on track with this healthy lifestyle I’ve been trying to achieve. I also finally treated myself to new running shoes. I currently have none that fit; it’s been at least 8 years since I’ve bought a pair (I’m more of a “coat/jacket girl” than a “shoe girl”). It’s been equally as long since I really ran, but I used to love it and I need some cardio in my life so I’m determined to get back into it whenever the shoes show up in the mail. Hopefully these are the things I needed to turn my goals around in the right direction. I do have to say that for as much as I hate the warmer weather, it does register something in my body that says, “You are too fat for this heat, Sarah, get busy!” And so I’m listening, or trying to at least.

My apologies for so much negativity, but I’ve had a lot brewing in my head and it’s been sort of therapeutic just typing it. I promise you a happier post sometime this week, but until then… anybody got anything they’d like to get off their chests, too? Rant away.

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4 Responses to "When life gives you lemons…"

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  1. edgyauthor

    April 15, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    Oh, this post is sad… :(

    So, so sorry things have been this awful for you and your family lately. I know we’ve discussed some of this previously, but other parts are new to me. (Like your grandmother’s sister. *hugs*) And all this happened around your birthday, too! The universe is cruel. :(

    And oh, that’s such a shame about your photography! You’re so fantastic at it, so I can’t imagine why no one would want to take advantage of that, especially when they take the time to say they’d want to. I can see how this would frustrate you. As you might remember, someone once told me they were going to hire me for an art commission, but then went around and hired someone else without ever telling me. It very much felt like a slap in the face, so I can’t imagine how much worse it’d be for that to happen repeatedly. I’m glad you’re not quitting photography entirely, but it still makes me sad to see you’re not offering your services anymore. Just because a lot of people don’t follow through with their words doesn’t mean everyone wouldn’t! You’re more talented than you give yourself credit for, and I’m sure there are plenty of others out there who’d genuinely agree with me!

    Also, for what it’s worth, if you ever were to offer your photography services again, it might be a good idea to actually charge something, no matter how small. A lot of people tend to correlate free things with low quality. Giving them a price would also help show that you’re serious about your work and think it deserves what you’re charging, so if you feel confident in your skills, they can feel confident in them, too.

    Lastly, sorry to hear your weight continues to be such a struggle. I can’t relate, but I can definitely understand, since my family deals with this kind of thing, too. It’s especially hard around the holidays since that’s when everyone seems compelled to make desserts of all kinds! Hopefully you finally manage to find a way to ignore the siren’s call of all those sweets–it can be hard at first, since the body will experience a drug-like withdrawal, IMO, but once you’re away from them a while, the cravings do stop. (As I can personally attest!) Also, good luck getting into a running routine! I’ve never been a runner, but it seems like a great way to get exercise, so I hope you’re able to make this work for you!

    Anyway… *HUGS*

    • SarahWhisted

      April 16, 2013 at 12:33 pm

      After the Boston marathon bombings yesterday, I sure feel like a jerk for complaining about such menial things earlier in the day. Tragedy is a good way to get your attitude in check, I guess.

      But thank you for all your sympathy and relating to my woes as much as you can. It makes me feel less alone in my angst.

      • edgyauthor

        April 17, 2013 at 6:50 am

        Please, please, please don’t think this. What happened in Boston is a tragedy, but that doesn’t make your own pain any less valid. Atrocities happen in this world every minute of every day. There will always be someone out there experiencing something worse, but that doesn’t mean we should feel guilty for our own emotions as a result, no matter how small the problem may be. Venting is healthy and sometimes the only thing to help us move on!

        • SarahWhisted

          April 17, 2013 at 1:04 pm

          I agree venting is good for you and I know it’s okay to have those bad moments of self-pity, but still… In truth, it’s good for me that I felt crummy about my complaints because I was letting them get the best of me and now I’m not.

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