Tag Archives: death

There is Always Light in Darkness

Things have been grim since Heath’s dad passed away. I’ve seen him cry more than I even thought he was capable of and his pain resonates loudly in my soul. I want to take it all away, but there just isn’t really anything I can do outside of just being there for him. I am grateful that God has given me a heart big enough for the both of us, because it’s been every bit of necessary. People say time heals the wounds, and I know they’re right, but time, or lack thereof, is what upsets him most. There is no more time with his dad. You can’t get back all the time you regret not spending with him now. And experiencing this has changed something in Heath, for the better.

 

We’ll celebrate our 11th year together this summer, 7 of which we’ll have been engaged. I think we’d both just sort of already felt married and so actually making it legal didn’t seem all that pressing to us. But it did to our families, particularly Heath’s dad. He was always asking when it was going to finally happen and we’d shrugged it off too many times. He’d also asked about grandkids time and time again and it always left Heath and I in a bad place because I’ve always wanted kids, three to be exact, but Heath didn’t. I’ve imagined myself a mother since I was just a little girl and watching my sister’s kids grow into these perfect tiny humans only makes me want my own even more. Ever since I turned 30, I’ve worried about running out of time to have kids. Women have that biological clock and all and mine’s ticking fast. And so I’ve been praying for years now, for God to let me know if my future really didn’t include kids. That my purpose in this life wasn’t to also be a mother. And all this time I’ve grown more and more frustrated over not hearing or feeling His answer. Never confident in what that meant for mine and Heath’s future. But I know now that God was answering me all along and his answer was: Patience. A lesson I seem to constantly be learning.

 

On the way home from Heath’s father’s viewing, we talked about how hard it was to watch his dad die the way we did, but that we were glad we were all there for him, that he didn’t die alone. And I admitted that it’s one of my biggest fears, dying alone. I’m not afraid to die, I know heaven is far better than this life, but I want to be surrounded by love when I’m heading out. It was still a few more days before the conversation I wanted to have would take place, but the entire time I just kept thinking: Neither of our parents are all that healthy and the likelihood of them outliving us is slim, which means when we’re on our deathbeds, we’ll be all we have and once one of us is gone, the other dies alone. Heath must have been thinking the same thing because a few days later, he changed his mind about having kids without any provoking at all. He realized how important family was to him and decided he doesn’t want his family to end with him.

 

Despite all the sadness I’ve felt over losing his dad, my heart feels so hopeful again. And I just know he’s in heaven right now, proud of his son for changing his mind, even if it took him passing for him to realize what his dad had been telling him all along.

 

Heath’s conditions were that we have a house before we try and that works out well since we were already trying to get our bills in order so that we could be buying a house by the start of 2016. That plan is still in place and baby making can start once we’ve reached that place, but in the meantime, we figure, we should probably go ahead and get married finally. So, on November 7th, I’ll officially be Sarah Harris and I’m more excited about it than I thought I would be. Being with someone for 10+ years means the lust of new love has worn off, and quality friendship has sunken in. But I feel in-love with him all over again and it’s exhilarating. We’ll still be mourning his father, for a long time to come, but we’ll have these beautiful distractions from keeping us stuck there in darkness, and I just know we’re making his father happy right now.

 

God works in the most mysterious ways. 😉

 

P.S. If you’re curious about what my wedding might look like, I’m plotting it HERE!

Saying Goodbye Too Soon

Sunday night my fiancé’s father, Bobby, was rushed to the ER completely unresponsive. After getting him stabilized, it was determined that his COPD ridden 1 & 2/3 lungs (he lost 1/3 of the left to cancer 5 years ago) had double pneumonia. Pneumonia that was likely left untreated for months. For days he sat in the ICU, doctors trying to get his oxygen level up high enough to go home, but that just wasn’t a reality. A ventilator was really the only way to preserve his life, to force his lungs to work at a reasonable level, but that would have meant spending the rest of his life on it, a life lived in a nursing home (which is no life at all really). Bobby didn’t want that, even though none of us were ready to accept what that meant for his fate. He just wanted to go home and in the end that home was to God.

 

Thursday afternoon the “comfortable way to die” was initiated. Watching and waiting for him to pass was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever witnessed. Bobby’s mother celebrated her 88th birthday watching her only son pass away. Even if I hadn’t known this man and his family for the last 11 years, I would have been crushed. Friday at 1:30, he took his last breath. He was only 54 years old.

 

If you’re the praying type, Heath’s family could use all the prayers for strength they can get while they learn to live life without Bobby.

 

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Heath holding his father’s hand for the last time

 

A Tribute to Devil Dog

Boo Boo 1

 

 

About 7 years ago, my mom rescued this Boston Terrier from a life of hell, without consulting my father or taking her other Boston, Tini, into consideration. She just couldn’t leave him to that torture.

 

He came with the name Boo Boo, but was quickly nicknamed “Devil Dog” by the family because he was hard to love. He peed on everything, he ran away every chance he got, and he barked relentlessly. He would have been difficult to place up for adoption because most people wouldn’t have the patience my mom had for him.

 

But he was a good addition to the family. The other Boston, Tini, had previously been a recluse, riddled with awful skin conditions from anxiety, but having a brother brought her out of her shell. She became more sociable and playful and overall healthier thanks to Boo Boo. And Boo Boo was devoted to my mother like no other dog had ever been in our family. Such a lover and cuddler when he wasn’t doing all those annoying things.

 

About a month ago, Mom found out Boo Boo had lung cancer and she’s been trying to accept the fact that he’d be leaving this world soon, but it’s been hard because with pain management, he seemed like his old self. This week he’d taken a turn for the worst and yesterday my mom had to put Boo Boo down.

 

I keep telling her that she should take comfort in knowing that Boo Boo wouldn’t have lasted this long if she hadn’t rescued him. That he died a happy dog thanks to the life she gave him, but there’s nothing anyone can really say to ease the pain of losing a dog. I know because I’ve lost mine before and it’s like losing a best friend. I’m sad not just for my mom (and dad who ended up loving Devil Dog a heck of a lot more than anyone could have predicted), but also Tini who is losing her brother.

 

RIP, Devil Dog. You will be missed. :(

 

Writing, dreams, yadda yadda yadda…

New desk makes me work. I love it. I’ve been really focused writing wise lately and it feels good to finally be getting stuff accomplished again.

In relation to writing this week:

– I asked Heath to act out a romantic scene with me for my book to make sure the way I wrote it was natural. Somehow he turned it into a comedy. He whacked me in the head in a Heisman pose, walked towards me like a thug player, and knocked me over once he reached me. It just didn’t work; he couldn’t be serious enough to do it the right way. I wanted to be mad, but I couldn’t help but laugh.

– I told my mom that I was thinking about killing off one of my characters. She lost it when I told her it was the dog. She said, “I won’t read the rest of your book Sarah if you kill that dog!” Every other thing I brought up about my book after that she interrupted me to further illustrate how much she didn’t want the dog to die. “I’m serious Sarah, don’t kill Déjà.” She’s too funny.

And then semi book related:

I woke up this morning from a creepy dream – mainly because of how real it felt. I had to write it down as soon as I got up.

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It was early summer when I found out I wouldn’t live past Christmas. They said, “The cancer is out of control Miss. I’m sorry there’s nothing we can do for you.” They handed me a stack of informational packets, a series of medications to make my last days “enjoyable”, and sent me on my way.

When I exited the hospital I just stood there on the sidewalk stunned. The sun blinding my eyes, my arms rendered useless with all of the crap in my hands, and feeling oddly glad that I was alone right now.

Cancer, really? I’m not sure why I was so surprised, several family members on both sides have fallen victim to cancer. But the difference was – they were sick and got better. I wasn’t even sick, but I was going to die. I had simply went to the doctor for a routine check up only to find out my body is riddled with death and my days are numbered. I’m only 28 and generally healthy, how freaking unfair is that?

Suddenly my knees hit the hot concrete; the junk in my hands fell into a pile around me. I stared stupidly at a pill bottle escaping the mess, finally stretching for it when it was almost too far to reach. People passed me by, no one offering to help me up. I didn’t really care, or notice them truthfully; I was trying to swallow the knot in my throat.

I’m going to die. My mind kept repeating it to me as if I needed a reminder. Everything about this news hurt more than one might expect because today had so much potential. How could it be that on the day I find out my book will be published, I also find out I will only be alive for maybe a month more after it’s release? It didn’t feel real. It felt completely real. Finally I cried.

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*Note – My book is not being published, nor do I have cancer. It was just a dream.*

Outside of writing this week, I finally got to play Rock Band and Guitar Hero after a years wait for our xbox to be fixed. I was all pumped up to play, plugged in my guitar – handed Heath the wireless one and NEITHER of them worked. One of them has never even been used, how can it not work?! I was so irritated. So I played with the remote like the old days, but it was no where near as fun.

I’m looking forward to the weekend for no particular reason. The weather is supposed to be nice and there is a carnival at the fair grounds – been a while since I’ve been to one of those, so maybe… I’ll probably stay in and write though, because that’s what I usually do being a creature of habit and all.

Peace – Sarah

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