Self Image & Style

This is a topic that almost always interferes with my thoughts, even when the person deep inside of me doesn’t want it to. I am not shallow. I am not concerned with my outward appearance. But then again, I am. There are things I wish I could wear, things I wish I could rock, but a pain exists inside of me in knowing that I can’t, that I will never be that kind of girl.

It’s not that it’s not in my blood, in my soul. It’s just that my body isn’t built for such beauty. The worst part of it all though is that, my mind wants to see me as something that I’m not. And when I say this, don’t go assuming I mean in a negative way. I have the absolute opposite of POV when it comes to my self image. I don’t know if that’s an actual disorder like bulimia or anorexia where girls who are actually sickly skinny still see themselves as fat, but it’s something. In my minds eye I am fit, tiny and athletically built. Someone with tone muscles and lean. But I am not and the reality is no matter how hard I try it’s unlikely I ever will be. I’m not designed that way. Being in front of a mirror reminds me of this every day.

I am short; barely 5’1” and my bones are thick. Even if I could be the weight doctors recommend my wider structure would just look awkward. I naturally have large breasts (which sadly just might be my best aspect) no matter how skinny I am and my hips are wide to match their girth. I can’t remember a time I was ever under 100lbs. and doctors say based on my height and age that I should be no more than 115 lbs. I can’t see this ever happening, no matter how badly I’d like it too or how hard I work for it.

Still, my mind sees me like this. It envisions me as this tiny, petite awesomely built person that I am not and will never be no matter how much I try. I used to work at a gym and I had unlimited access to personal training and equipment and back then I was in the best shape of my life and I still wasn’t my recommended weight. And I still had these drastic curves between my top and bottom and clothes still didn’t work on me. Clothes I want so desperately to be able to wear. (Such as the pictures included in this post, btw.) And all of this saddens me. I mean shit, I can’t even represent a band t-shirt without looking like the blob which is what I’d probably most often wear if my body let me.

I would never be one of those people to have *work* done to be the person I see myself being, but I wish I could make it happen naturally. That God would grace me with what my mind tells me I look like if I tried really hard for it. Because I hate that instead of representing myself on the outside the way I feel on the inside I must resort to frumpy clothes and sizes that disgust me because I am who I am.

In truth, I can’t believe I relieved this because I’ve long accepted the fact that I will never be who my mind imagines, but something tells me I’m not alone, that I can’t possibly be the only person who sees themselves differently than they really are and because of that alone I felt the need to reach out to you.

How many of you feel this way? If you could be the person you are on the inside on the outside what would it look like?

Peace – Sarah

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7 Responses to "Self Image & Style"

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  1. gracious_anne

    August 24, 2010 at 2:28 am

    “I am not concerned with my outward appearance. But then again, I am. There are things I wish I could wear, things I wish I could rock, but a pain exists inside of me in knowing that I can’t, that I will never be that kind of girl.”

    ugh, yes. I’ve felt (feel if I’m really honest) that way. Teen Angst plus my black and white perspective on the world meant disordered eating habits throughout my teens. Those habits, those weird thoughts still haunt me now.

    I know I’m afraid of “dieting” or saying that food “X” is off limits for even a couple days because that personal hell I put myself through for no reason.

    My inner vision of me certainly doesn’t line up with the real physical me. I see myself as much more slim than I really am, my hair is cuter and pixie-ish. I suppose I’d love to look like my icon. Have hair (I have a cowlick) and a body that curves in all the right places like the women in the Jane Austen films.

    • SarahWhisted

      August 24, 2010 at 2:42 am

      Oh, Anne –

      Thanks for replying. I worried after posting this that my LJ friends would think… No, you ARE shallow…. but we aren’t. It’s just the mentality. Something we can not ignore no matter how much we try to.

      I do not know what you actually look like because you’ve never posted a real pick, but now you’ve got me more curious than usual.

      I understand your inverted self perception and am glad I’m not alone as terrible as that sounds. It must mean that there are plenty of us, whose outward appearance doesn’t quite match our inward selves and I wonder how we can fix that. How we can overcome such a stupid self perception. Because we are worthy of being viewed in the way we see ourselves. Right?!?!

      There has to be a way!

      I know about the labeling of diets – I’ve been doing it, but to no avail. I worry I’ll fall back into this unreachable realm I searched for in my youth. Where I took caffeine pills to stagger hunger and waited days before allowing myself a small morsel of cheese or a cracker. I can’t even go back to that, I know. But dieting makes me scared I could try and become that person again. I will not be that person again. I know it doesn’t nothing positive for me. It really only hinders me.

  2. edgyauthor

    August 24, 2010 at 3:12 am

    I feel like this, too, and given how image-obsessed our society is, I’m sure we’re far from alone. I always think I look a certain way inside my mind, and even in the mirror, and I LOVE how that *me* looks. Then I see pics of myself, or start trying on new clothes, and it’s a slap in the face. I’m actually pretty happy with my weight, but if I could change anything, I’d love to be a little skinnier so I could actually find pants that FIT on a consistent basis. (Size ten is often too small, and size twelve is always too large. And even when I CAN find a size that fits, I have to worry about the pants being long enough, which they hardly ever are. Ugh.)

    • SarahWhisted

      August 24, 2010 at 3:33 am

      You’re right, pics somehow shed a different view, than even the mirror. I can pose my face a particular way in the mirror and know for a fact that is exactly what it looks like or hold my arms back in a way that makes them appear thinner when glancing in the mirror, but pictures – they reveal it all. This is sadly why there are so fewer pictures of me over the past couple of years as my weight continues to increase (seemingly out of control).

      And I KNOW exactly what you mean about consistency in clothes fitting. I used to always be around an 8 or 10 and then the sizes started spiraling and even when I thought I’d nailed one they varied amongst brands. It was very frustrating, it IS very frustrating still. I have all of these brand new 10’s just waiting to be worn and I would be so happy to be in them. I feel determined even to be in them, but I know once I’m small enough for them even they won’t work right. My waist will still be smaller and my ass will hang out. It’s just ridiculous the shapes we hold. Or more so the shapes clothes demand.

      No one’s the same, clothes shouldn’t be so standard because we aren’t. A girl two sizes larger than the model should still be able to wear the outfit, the designer should just cut it in a different manner to fit a multitude of girls.

      Or at least I think so….

  3. alice_vd

    August 24, 2010 at 8:45 am

    I totally understand. I would love to get thinner (a healthy thinner. No visible ribs, of course) but I’ve gotten to the point where it’s all very ‘Meh!’. I am who I am and I wear what I wear. As long as I’m comfortable in my clothes, I’m comfortable in my skin.

    • SarahWhisted

      August 24, 2010 at 8:54 pm

      Yeah, ribs = no good. It’s great that you’re comfortable in your skin though. I wish I could be so confident. Maybe if I could find cool clothes that worked for the skin I’m in it might be different, but it often feels like a double whammy of hate against myself.

      • alice_vd

        August 25, 2010 at 4:08 am

        It’s all about confidence. It takes years to perfect. In fact, I’m still working on it.

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