This is a topic that almost always interferes with my thoughts, even when the person deep inside of me doesn’t want it to. I am not shallow. I am not concerned with my outward appearance. But then again, I am. There are things I wish I could wear, things I wish I could rock, but a pain exists inside of me in knowing that I can’t, that I will never be that kind of girl.
It’s not that it’s not in my blood, in my soul. It’s just that my body isn’t built for such beauty. The worst part of it all though is that, my mind wants to see me as something that I’m not. And when I say this, don’t go assuming I mean in a negative way. I have the absolute opposite of POV when it comes to my self image. I don’t know if that’s an actual disorder like bulimia or anorexia where girls who are actually sickly skinny still see themselves as fat, but it’s something. In my minds eye I am fit, tiny and athletically built. Someone with tone muscles and lean. But I am not and the reality is no matter how hard I try it’s unlikely I ever will be. I’m not designed that way. Being in front of a mirror reminds me of this every day.
I am short; barely 5’1” and my bones are thick. Even if I could be the weight doctors recommend my wider structure would just look awkward. I naturally have large breasts (which sadly just might be my best aspect) no matter how skinny I am and my hips are wide to match their girth. I can’t remember a time I was ever under 100lbs. and doctors say based on my height and age that I should be no more than 115 lbs. I can’t see this ever happening, no matter how badly I’d like it too or how hard I work for it.
Still, my mind sees me like this. It envisions me as this tiny, petite awesomely built person that I am not and will never be no matter how much I try. I used to work at a gym and I had unlimited access to personal training and equipment and back then I was in the best shape of my life and I still wasn’t my recommended weight. And I still had these drastic curves between my top and bottom and clothes still didn’t work on me. Clothes I want so desperately to be able to wear. (Such as the pictures included in this post, btw.) And all of this saddens me. I mean shit, I can’t even represent a band t-shirt without looking like the blob which is what I’d probably most often wear if my body let me.
I would never be one of those people to have *work* done to be the person I see myself being, but I wish I could make it happen naturally. That God would grace me with what my mind tells me I look like if I tried really hard for it. Because I hate that instead of representing myself on the outside the way I feel on the inside I must resort to frumpy clothes and sizes that disgust me because I am who I am.
In truth, I can’t believe I relieved this because I’ve long accepted the fact that I will never be who my mind imagines, but something tells me I’m not alone, that I can’t possibly be the only person who sees themselves differently than they really are and because of that alone I felt the need to reach out to you.
How many of you feel this way? If you could be the person you are on the inside on the outside what would it look like?
Peace – Sarah